An Uncomfortable Bed

by Guy de Maupassant

One October I went to spend a few weeks with some friends in a big old house in the north of France.

My friends enjoyed playing practical jokes on people. I’m not interested in people who don’t like playing jokes.

When I arrived, they gave me a big welcome, which made me suspicious. They fired guns, put their arms around me and made me feel important... like they were going to have some fun with me.

I said to myself: "Look out! They’re getting something ready for you."

During dinner everybody was laughing. Laughing too much. I thought, "These people are laughing for no good reason. They must have planned a joke... and I will be the victim of that joke. I have to be careful!”

I could smell a practical joke in the air, like a dog smells meat. But what was it? I was watchful, and I couldn’t relax but I did not let a word or a movement show that I knew something was happening. I did not trust anybody... not even the servants.

The time came for sleep, and everybody in the house came to take me to my room. Why? They all said "Good-night" to me. I went into my room, shut the door, and stayed standing, without moving a single step, holding a candle in my hand.

I heard laughter and quiet talking in the corridor. I was sure they were spying on me. I looked around the walls, the furniture, the pictures, the floor. I saw nothing to make me suspicious.

An idea came into my head: "My candle could suddenly go out and leave me in darkness."

Then I lit all the candles in the room. After that I looked around myself again but I didn’t see anything unusual. I walked around slowly, examining every part of the room. Nothing. I looked at every object in the room, one after the other. Still nothing. I went over to the window and closed the heavy curtains. I put a chair in front of the window, so that there would be nothing to worry about from outside.

I sat down in a big old chair... I didn’t get into the bed. But it was getting late, and in the end I decided that I was stupid. If they were spying on me, then they were probably already laughing at my fear. So I decided to go to bed. The bed looked very suspicious but it seemed to be safe.

All the same, there was danger. Maybe I was going to get a cold shower when I got into bed. Or maybe my bed would sink into the floor when I touched it. I tried to remember all the practical jokes that I'd known in my life. I did not want to be surprised this time. Then I thought of something that would make sure that I was safe. I pulled the mattress slowly off the bed with the sheets. I pulled all these things into the middle of the room and checked them. Then I made the bed again, put out all the candles and got into bed right there on the floor.

I stayed awake for at least another hour, looking around at the smallest sound. Everything in the house seemed quiet. I went to sleep.

I must have been in a deep sleep for a long time, but suddenly I was woken up by the fall of a heavy body right on top of me and, at the same time, my face, neck and chest were burnt by a hot liquid. I shouted in pain. There was a huge noise, like a lot of plates and glasses were crashing to the floor.

I could not even move because of the thing on top of me. I put out my hand to feel what it could be. I felt a face, and a nose. Then I hit the face with all my strength. But the person on top of me hit me back a number of times. I jumped up and ran out of the door.

I couldn’t believe that it was daytime and the sun was shining. All the noise brought my friends hurrying into my room, and we found the unhappy servant lying on the bed I had made on the floor. When he was bringing my morning cup of tea, he'd fallen over the mattress, spilling the hot liquid onto my face.

I had been so careful in closing the curtains and sleeping in the middle of the room... but I had made the practical joke I was trying to escape.